valrhona-veracity

Tuesday, July 1, 2014 | post a comment {0}

It's time to stumble forwards. The negativity at disjointedrainbow has effectively been retired.

My new blog: valrhona-veracity

Monday, November 4, 2013 | post a comment {0}

I spend everyday wishing I wouldn't wake up tomorrow. And even though life isn't guaranteed it seems as though the people who deserve it least, people like me, get to see the sun rise another day. People like me get another day of wasting more of everything when it all could've gone to someone much more deserving.

fat fat fat fat fat

Wednesday, July 31, 2013 | post a comment {0}

I think I almost had a mental breakdown today when I finally got a good look at how much weight I've put on... It was so easy for me to disregard how fat I was getting this summer because I was always wearing comfy shorts and a loose tee. To a lesser extent it also didn't help that there wasn't a scale near by, but that's not as big of an issue since I don't weigh myself regularly. (Doesn't cushion the blow when I stepped on it and saw I had gained 6 lbs from the last time I had weighed myself. *writhes in pain*)

 I guess the real depressing thing of it all was thinking I had gained so much self-confidence in the past 6 weeks only to realize it could all be destroyed by an eye-opening reflection in a store's window. Or barely being able to fit into a pair of my legitimate jeans. Or having to go up a size when I was trying on clothes. Or worst of all, finally splurging and buying the really cute crop tops I've always wanted and realizing I look like a fucking fat pig in them. Like what? I'm gross.

I tried running since coming back...it was really half-assed and not good at all...God bleh fuck effort fuck physical exertion :'( Oh and fucking Los Tapatios Burritos is out to get my fat ass. But yeah, I think I'm going to try and go healthy again. I definitely do not sound excited and happy and hopeful like I did all the other times, but at least this time there's a sense of urgency.

For instance, I HAVE to look good for college. Seriously, another 4 years being a fat ugly fuck? No thanks. Oh and the gym fee is included in tuition so if I don't go during the school year I'm wasting my mom's money. "But people will make fun of me for being the fat fuck in the gym." Welp, I better make use of this last week and a half so I can at least walk in there without feeling ashamed. And those stupid crop tops that I had bought, thinking that I was hot and I could wear them to parties and look awesome? Guess that's not happening until I become the not fat fuck.

So yeah. No happiness and stupid excitement like before, but I'm going to do it. Just because I have to. I'm so sick of being fat.

fancy speak

Sunday, July 28, 2013 | post a comment {0}

I fear two outcomes that have just made their possibilities present to me: I have either grown up, or I have grown dumb.

I can't stand embellished talk anymore. As in, when someone tries to explain something, they put in extra emotion or bravado or unnecessary words. I don't know what it means or where it came from, but this act really pisses me off now.

When I sit there and listen I feel like screaming. Get to the point. Just say what you need to say. I'm not dealing with passive-aggressiveness anymore, I'm not dealing with miscommunication anymore, and I'm certainly not dealing with extra baggage not coincidented to the task at hand anymore.

I blame this partially on spending 6 weeks with completely math and science-minded people; everyone was blunt and straight to the point, so perhaps that's why information irrelevant to a topic gets on my nerves. Or maybe, I am tired of listening to horse shit day in and day out. Maybe for once I just want straight answers to appeal to my micro-planning self. And in this way, perhaps I'm growing up. I'm losing my ability to be compassionate. To enjoy the poetry that is people's struggles as they they try to express themselves in words and finally succeed. I can no longer find the happiness I felt when people would confide in me. I can only worry about me. Me and my emotions and appeasing to them here and now, as fast as the world will accommodate to me. I hate it. There's a certain type of caring that only children have, that adults can hardly ever replicate, and I'm becoming one of them. Old and bitter and selfish.

And if this is not the case then I can only assume that I've become dumber. I don't have the mental capability to empathize. In which case, I am saddened just the same. Wronger still is my biggest concern if this is so, being that I'm scared my writing will suffer, and nothing more. What a selfish notion, right?

Who am I?

Sunday, June 23, 2013 | post a comment {0}

I have fucked everything up. Literally everything.

Monday, June 3, 2013 | post a comment {0}

Oftentimes I feel more alone when I'm with people than when I'm actually alone. I feel very alone when I'm with you. I think I'm just always very lonely.

Sunday, June 2, 2013 | post a comment {0}

Words are my affection
Time is my infliction
I bide my time as both slip away from me