Time flies

Friday, April 6, 2012 | post a comment {0}

I've changed so much in the past few years. When I remember the way I acted back when I was a freshman, I'm inclined to wonder where the hell that person went.

For instance, I used to be very outspoken in class. I always made it a point to become buddy buddy with my teachers. Now I'm just that quiet, indiscreet Asian girl who doesn't talk much. I'm there but no one really knows me. And it's funny that I use the adjective "Asian" even though this attitude is directly due to the fact I think I'm a complete dumbfuck now. I don't have the confidence in any of my opinions to voice them out loud anymore. Thanks, asian "friend" group, for opening my eyes to just how subpar my academic level is. And yes, the endless jokes about how stupid I am are hilarious. Really.

Another thing I noticed is how I don't speak my mind as much. Oh sure, I bitch a lot more, but that's just me hating on stuff I, for the most part, could care less about. I don't say one word about the things that truly bother me anymore. Remember freshman year, when I would be starting up fights left and right? Good times. Or how I would throw out my "ghetto" side and give a white kid a nice verbal smacking every once and awhile? I cringe at the thought of doing that now. That is definitely one of the traits I miss. I feel so... meek now. It's lame as hell :(

And probably the biggest thing I miss is my confidence. I'm not going to lie, even though I was fat, sported an ugly ass haircut, had a gap between my two front teeth and had hot pink braces, I thought I was the shieeet LOL. Back in freshman year, before January or so, whenever I said "Oh, I don't like _insert body part_" I was really only saying that. I actually loved myself. I mean, now I see my physical flaws in part because I'm more cognizant of the fact that I'm not all that, but to have just half of that confidence again would be nice. When people compliment me on anything, I instantly assume they're lying just to be nice. If I'm not shying away from their comment, I'm mad because I feel like saying, "Why the fuck are you lying to me like that?" Uh... cynical much.

I really wish I wasn't that way. I long to be innocent, and to trust again. I wish I could face my amazingly wonderful boyfriend now, and give him all the love I could've given at one time without being scared of being hurt again. People say "girls like me" get into many relationships because we constantly want to feel loved, and maybe that's the case for some of them. But you know what, don't lump me with them. No one knows how hard it is for me to open my heart up after being hurt so many times. How can you say I get into relationships to constantly feel loved when I find it harder to feel loved with every one I enter? Every single time I get into a relationship I believe less and less of what my boyfriends say, on account of the past boyfriends' mistakes. I know it's not right, but it is what it is. I don't get into relationships for the hell of being in one, because if I didn't have to go through trial and error to find Jason, I fucking wouldn't have. I got into this relationship because I genuinely like him. It hurts that I can't believe his "Your beautiful"s and "I love you"s because of a couple dicks in the past. If you knew how much this pained me, you wouldn't talk behind my back about how I get into relationships because "it feels good to be in one" Because those past ones don't make me feel good. They make me feel bad. They're mistakes that inhibit the happiness I feel now. And I really, really like Jason. I don't gush and mush about him like I used to do with past guys, just because I've matured in that aspect, but he's someone that I would wait for. He's someone that I'm planning to wait for when he goes to the navy. So don't try and psychoanalyze my shit for me, thanks. Just like any other mistake you've made, I'm just trying to live with the ones I've made while living the beautiful life I have now.

Phew, has all that up there been bothering me or what. I don't even know where I was trying to go with all that. It just feels good to let it out :)

Vicki.