pendulum

Tuesday, December 4, 2012 | post a comment {0}

I've come to realize that my emotions are extremely volatile. One moment I'm happy, another moment I'm sad. I can go from liking someone to hating them just by one thing they say. (And then go back to liking them just as easily)

I wonder if everyone feels this way on the inside, and we're all just really good at hiding it? Or I'm the only one who has to struggle to keep my feelings and relationships consistent to what they're generalized to be. Some days I feel like a social butterfly (cheesy noun w/e), and some days I genuinely believe that everyone hates me. Sometimes I think I have the cutest and most clever responses for when people interact with me, and some days I feel like I'm an awkward, stupid potato that no one wants to be seen with.

Am I missing, like, some vitamin that regulates emotions? Or some sort of classical training in appearing normal on the outside when my emotions are completely out of whack? For instance, on one day I can find the fault in every single person on the planet and hate them with a burning passion, but on other days, want to be friends with everyone and be close to everyone and have fun and laugh and be cute and, oh god, I just become way too loud, excited, and over-friendly. Can my feelings and social ability not fluxuate all the time? And can I not read too much into every single thing people say and do? Why do I only have confidence when I am validated by others? Is that even confidence then?

I just want to be happy.