the final blueees

Monday, December 17, 2012 | post a comment {0}

I have felt very lonely as of late. I've come to realize that I don't like many people, and in turn, many people do not like me. Everyone's busy with finals while I'm drowning in them. Not only am I an academic failure but a social failure too.

Isn't senior year when you're supposed to start figuring out who you really are, who you want to become, sort out your past and plan your future? I've back tracked completely. I don't know who I am, I don't know who I want to be, my past continuously haunts me, and as the search for colleges reaches an end, I realize I'm left with nothing. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't even know how to live my life in the present. What am I doing?

I'm so sad that I'm not even really stressed anymore. I know I'm going to end this semester with a shitty GPA; I don't even want to think about all the scholarships that my colleges are going to rescind. So I guess I can't say that I'm not stressed anymore, but feeling so hopeless that I don't know what to do.

I'm just so lonely and scared. I feel like time is running out for me and I don't know how to get out of this hole I've dug for myself. I've been hiding so much this semester. A cute outfit, make up, smile, and a few reassuring words are all people need to think everything's okay. I wish I had someone I could tell everything to without feeling like a melodramatic teenager. But I guess that's really all I am; That's all we really are.

I don't know, anyways. I hope this is just pre-final depression and I get better once winter break starts. It's just so hard when most mornings you just don't want to get out of bed anymore.