fat fat fat fat fat

Wednesday, July 31, 2013 | post a comment {0}

I think I almost had a mental breakdown today when I finally got a good look at how much weight I've put on... It was so easy for me to disregard how fat I was getting this summer because I was always wearing comfy shorts and a loose tee. To a lesser extent it also didn't help that there wasn't a scale near by, but that's not as big of an issue since I don't weigh myself regularly. (Doesn't cushion the blow when I stepped on it and saw I had gained 6 lbs from the last time I had weighed myself. *writhes in pain*)

 I guess the real depressing thing of it all was thinking I had gained so much self-confidence in the past 6 weeks only to realize it could all be destroyed by an eye-opening reflection in a store's window. Or barely being able to fit into a pair of my legitimate jeans. Or having to go up a size when I was trying on clothes. Or worst of all, finally splurging and buying the really cute crop tops I've always wanted and realizing I look like a fucking fat pig in them. Like what? I'm gross.

I tried running since coming back...it was really half-assed and not good at all...God bleh fuck effort fuck physical exertion :'( Oh and fucking Los Tapatios Burritos is out to get my fat ass. But yeah, I think I'm going to try and go healthy again. I definitely do not sound excited and happy and hopeful like I did all the other times, but at least this time there's a sense of urgency.

For instance, I HAVE to look good for college. Seriously, another 4 years being a fat ugly fuck? No thanks. Oh and the gym fee is included in tuition so if I don't go during the school year I'm wasting my mom's money. "But people will make fun of me for being the fat fuck in the gym." Welp, I better make use of this last week and a half so I can at least walk in there without feeling ashamed. And those stupid crop tops that I had bought, thinking that I was hot and I could wear them to parties and look awesome? Guess that's not happening until I become the not fat fuck.

So yeah. No happiness and stupid excitement like before, but I'm going to do it. Just because I have to. I'm so sick of being fat.